改正：Those people who raise pets, such as dogs and cats, are more likely to gain happiness and relieve their loneliness.（那些养宠物，例如养猫和养狗的人往往更容易获得快乐并且缓解孤独感）
2. 应避免引用一项调查研究，并同时伴有过多数据。应将数据去掉，用含糊的方法表示。
改正：There is much evidence to show that the number of people smoking has increased at an alarming rate in China. （大量证据表明。。。）
3. 应避免将例子局限在一个国家，尤其是中国。应将范围放至全世界。
改正：Many children around the world like to sit in front of the screen for a long time, leading to their poor eyesight.（在全世界，许多孩子在屏幕前待太久，导致了他们的视力减弱。
“全世界”的表达方式：around the world, all over the world, across the globe
大学水平直达雅思6.5分【全额奖学金班】>>>
【写作真题】The advocates of international aid believe that countries have a moral obligation to help each other, while the opponents consider it necessary, because
money is misspent by the governments that receive it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
【名师献计】This aid is essential to the homeless and useful in helping recipient countries return to their normal state after major disturbances. For example, with the humanitarian relief obtained worldwide on an annual basis, victims of natural disasters (such as tsunami, drought, flood) throughout the world can recover rapidly and rebuild their homeland.
两分钟做个小测试，看看你的英语水平
http://m.meten.com/test/waijiao.aspx?tid=16-73675-0